In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
