No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
