You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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