I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
