I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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