Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
