Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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