I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
