i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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