obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
