was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
