I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
