my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
