you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
