I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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