Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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