I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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