how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
