so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Too much gin, very little bucket
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
