We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
