cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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