bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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