I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
