I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
