sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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