yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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