Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
