This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
