I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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