I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
