Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
