Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
