i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
