Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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