Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
