he shaved USA in his pubs
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
