Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
