Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
