How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
