you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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