I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
