honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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