I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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