And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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