i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
