I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
