the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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