my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
