The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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