Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am one with the molecules
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize