I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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