Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
