The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
