her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
