I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
