i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
