Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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