11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
