Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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