someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
