the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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