I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
